Illuminati Planning To Kill Santa Claus

The Holy Book of Robocop is at the North Pole as the situation escalates

                                    

Santa: A pivotal figure in the Illuminati saga

Lapland security forces were on high alert last night after reports that Father Christmas may be next on the Illuminati's hit list.

In the wake of the news, experts around the world agreed that the loss of Santa Clause would be an almost unbearable loss to the struggling resistance movement. 

Jesus Christ, when interviewed in his underground bunker echoed such sentiments: "These Satan worshipping bastards always seem to know where our weak spots are."

Over the course of the last decade the Illuminati has managed to eliminate the majority of their most prominent opponents. In a series of shocking incidents pivotal world figures like Paul Walker and Whitney Houston have fallen victim to the group's assassins.

In 2014 Father Christmas is one of the few high-profile resistance leaders that can still command any sort of relevance and respect on the world stage. As such he has long been an obvious target for the Illuminati high command.

His death, if it were to come, would have profound consequences for us all.

Many of us may remember when Justin Bieber was still a young commander in the resistance movement. Most analysts agree that it was his eventual defection to the Illuminati that turned the tide against the resistance and made the Illuminati the dominant political force on the planet.

The elimination of Santa Clause would almost certainly prove even more catastrophic.

Professor Dave Shingle, from Iowa's Holy Fucking Christ University expressed a similar opinion. 

"One by one they're taking out the movers and shakers of our world. In the 90s they did Tupac, while during the last decade they took out Siegfried and Roy with a brainwashed tiger. Any time anyone in a position of power rises up they are killed."

When asked to answer charges that he was a conspiracy theorist Professor Shingle seemed genuinely offended.

"I bet they think Jesus and the Holy Spirit are conspiracy theories. Unfortunately the brainwashed sheep of this world sit back while real, heroic human beings like Santa Claus risk getting their heads cut off by Illuminati Ninjas." 

At the time off writing Father Christmas remained alive, and Christmas 2014 was still scheduled to take place.